I've got about a month, a little less, left until my final exams this year. I'm terrified. I don't know whether I'm going to pass or not, and I don't know if I'm capable of the sustained study necessary to get a reasonable mark. Getting a third class degree this year is almost as bad as outright failing, since that means I can't come back for the Masters program next year, and I've already signed the lease on the flat we'll be living in.
Given that I've pretty much failed the coursework this year already, it's going to be tight. I guess the only thing I can really do is what I'm trying to do now, which is study to the best of my ability and hope that that's enough. It's frustrating, because this would have been so much easier if I'd just studied consistently since the beginning of the year, but I just don't seem to be able to keep it up. Every term at Cambridge has been the same - promising myself I'll do better, attending all the lectures, writing up timetables, feeling organised for about a week, and then slowly slipping into lethargy and not leaving my room except when absolutely necessary.
Recently I've been considering the possibility that I might be clinically depressed. I talked with Heather a little bit about it, and she pointed out that a lot of the things I feel about my 'condition' tally with symptoms of depression - feeling guilty, difficulty with motivation for anything, sleeping a lot, frustration, a feeling of inadequacy (a lot of the time I feel bad because everyone else seems to be able to work fine), whatever. I guess it doesn't really help that I really don't feel like I have any other options than 'suck it up and deal' - degrading would be an option if I felt like my Dad wouldn't view it as failure, but I do, so it's not; I don't think medication would be any use at this point, given the short timeframe I have before exams; the University is not known for being understanding in cases like this, and really I should have seen someone about it a long time ago. I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn except the library, and even that's not guaranteed to get me anywhere. I'm basically teaching myself all ten of the courses I should have been learning this whole time, and I don't know more than about a third of any of them.
I was talking with Heather about working today, and we kind of came to the conclusion that we should be proud of anything that we can get done. I think she has a lot of the problems I do, and I'm not sure we're particularly good for each other in that aspect - it's easy to encourage undesirable behaviour without meaning to. In any case, I feel like there's a lot of truth in that conclusion - so many days go by where I just squander away the time I have, to the extent that I might as well not get out of bed. Any work I get done should be a cause for celebration, not a cause for guilt over not getting more done.
Anyway, here it is - I'm going to make a few resolutions, and I'm going to write them down here. Maybe I'll keep them, maybe I won't, but there's always hope. I know I'm capable of at least putting in the effort.
I will not break the chain. I will not miss a day for any reason. I can work, and I am going to work. I will spend all my time doing things that I consider worthwhile and constructive. I have my whole life ahead of me, and I am not going to fuck it up by spending it all pissing around on the internet. Here are some things that are worth doing. Reading. Studying. Practising music. Here are some things not worth doing. Spending time on social networking sites. Spending time on circle-jerk communities like reddit, Digg or 4chan. Informing the world of minor thoughts. Spending money on pointless purchases.
I can do this.
